So a part of this whole crossroads/middle age crisis thing is a continual examination of one's navel apparently. And believe you me I am very well acquainted with my navel, being a bellydancer and all that jazz :)
But I am also very good at keeping my deepest, darkest desires and thoughts hidden from all. Years of having fragile personages about me and being fearful of the effect my scary inner self may have upon them have taught me well.
So I have created this blog. Not just one that is attached to the various other social networking sites I am active in and which I never share too much on for the sanity of all. But one I have to go out of my way to write in and therefore is primarily for myself.
So BEWARE anyone who comes here...you may find out more about me than you would ever like to know.
My current theme is on reawakening, reharnessing and refocussing my creative and spiritual self. One and the same I feel, for without my creative expression my spiritual self wastes and dissipates.
Some may not know that I consider myself a Pagan and that my path of belief is that of Druidry. I have always had a belief in something beyond, something undefinable and infinite...but the Christian way of looking at it always seemed too regimented, too removed from the world that we are a part of for me. I did enjoy the ritual and theatrical and recognise the wisdom in some of its teachings although most of which I consider have been rebranded and redeployed within it's doctrine.
However, I always had a love of nature that was I believe instilled in me by my parents. In the somewhat small and gentle ways that they were capable of delivering it to me in. Never religious, we were always encouraged to explore whatever interested us, as long as it hurt no-one. When I was of an age to explore more independently I fell into the new-age movement of the eighties and early nineties and immersed myself in astrology and wicca. Although I felt a strong familiarity with the basic tenets within Wicca I was not interested in deliberating causing change, so it was ultimately not for me.
My strongest spiritual interest lay in the seasonal organisation of celebration and ritual, something I had always felt I had missed and I felt comfortable with the term Pagan. When I came across the writings of Neo-Druidry primarily by Emma Restall Orr from the (then) British Druid Order - BDO, I felt like I had finally come home.
A very liberal and open minded tradition as it is now, Druidry is quite inclusive of various ideas of the divine. But for me the (arguably) most central concept within Druidry is the belief in "Awen". Awen is seen to be the spiritual creative energy that exists in all things. This is an energy that could be recognised in other traditions such as the Shakti energy of the Hindu faith or The Holy Spirit of the Christian faiths.
The meaning of the word to quote Greywolf (BDO) in his article 'Awen - The Holy Spirit of Druidry' : The feminine noun, Awen, has been variously translated as 'inspiration' , 'muse', 'genius', or even 'poetic frenzy'. The word itself is formed by combining the two words, aw, meaning 'a fluid, a flowing', and en, meaning 'a living principle, a being, a spirit, essential'. So Awen may be rendered literally as 'a fluid essence', or 'flowing spirit'.
The belief that spoke so loudly to me was about harnessing this energy and expressing it through whatever means of creative expression you are gifted with. To create is to be in touch or literally connected to the divine force and could be seen as a form of prayer or worship. So you are honouring whatever your concept is of the divine by doing so.
So while over the years my active participation in the broader pagan community has drifted away and my honouring of the seasonal celebrations has gradually waned to a mere acknolwedgement that the seasons have passed, my belief in this central tenet has remained. I continue to honour it through my dance and whatever else I turn my creative hand to.
But, perhaps it is that we are coming out of the hibernation and times of contemplation in winter and are moving into the budding time of pre-spring that has awoken my need to re-establish that connection to the seasonal world - the REAL world after all. My husband & I have spent the cool weather indoors and have quite by accident (one may assume) absorbed and ingested hours of inspirational documentaries and various TV series that have a focus on self-sufficiency, ethical farming, low impact and self aware living.
We have begun to restructure our lifestyle quietly and gently. While we have for a long time bought only free range chicken, we now do the same for all of our meat. We also go to our local farmers market once a week to buy locally (or as close to) and ethically produced meat, veges and other food products. We have even begun to buy only free-trade ethically produced coffee and now chocolate (although I will admit, giving up the good ole TimTams and Cadbury chocolate is tough).
I have in the past struggled with the idea of become a vegetarian & often will eat vegetarian foods where the alternative is meat produced non ethically. However, physiologically I believe that we are designed to eat aome meat and so for the moment I choose to eat less of it and to eat that which has been ethically farmed, wherever it is possible for me to do so.
This brings me to a small point of divergence. As I also have a strong belief in doing what one can and in the spirit of hospitality, so I will not refuse someone's offering to me a meal cooked where the meat is not from a known ethical source. I see that they are honouring the spirit of hospitality through creating a meal and offering to share it with me. They are not of my way and do not necessarily honour my belief's but here we are sharing a meal with them. So I will eat, while quietly honouring my own beliefs through offering thanks to my hosts and to the animals that have died to provide me with my meal. I will offer alternate views and provide information to my friends quietly though other means or where they request it but I will not insult them by foisting it upon them directly.
Anyhow, my point being that we are making small changes with the purpose of reconnecting us with our spiritual pathways and reawaken our slumbering creative potential.
This is just a beginning....
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Something is shifting....
Something has been coming for a while...a change or a shift in my awareness has been burbling away quietly as I have been doing my everyday, same old, same old thing.
I am doing my best to find the energy to nurture it, feed it with quiet inspiration and keep it growing. To try and find the headspace to ponder it and meditate in it and recognise the signs when they come.
I am trying to avoid stifling it, ignoring it or stomping on its budding essence and trampling it into the earth but it ain't easy.
I am a woman in my late 30's who is married to a wonder of a husband. Not without his own challenges but without him I know I would not be able to half of what I manage to. We both work full time for the goverment and I satisfy my creative urges primarily through the medium of dance.
Dance has been a part of my life for as long as I remember. I grew up in the world of theatrical western dance - Tap, Modern Dance/Jazz & Ballet. I loved it, thrived in it and had a blast doing it...until the hormones really kicked in and my dreams of a career in dance were killed very early by the size of my hips and thighs.
However, most of my adult life has been spent following a pathway that led me into the wonderful and (for the most part) very inclusive world of "Bellydance". I played around with folkloric and historically based Middle Eastern Dance for a few years as I was involved in Historical Re-enactment at the time. However, after a number of years I moved interstate and started regularly dancings with a group of Egyptian Cabaret dancers.
A few years later I saw "American Tribal Style Bellydance" and was smitten! The costuming had intriguing elements of mixed ethnicity, the proud posture of the dancers was reminiscent of the spanish flamenco dancers that I had admired for many years and the concept of dancing improvisationally screamed FREEDOM to a dancer who had spent 20 years of her life dancing choreography.
I also diversified my Tribal teachings by moving into Theatrical and Gothique fusion bellydance, allowing me to harness my previous dance teachings and meld them with my love of bellydance.
I also have spent the past few years working on a wonderful dance project that is inclusive of its participants. Women of all different cognitive and mobility abilities with or without other dance experience. It is an inspirational and deeply moving experience for both participants and our audience come performance time and unlike anything I have done before.
And 16 years later I find myself at a crossroads....a crossroads that leads me to consider my dance and my creative endeavours, my personal relationships, my working career and my dreams for the future. I guess it could otherwise be called my middle age.
You see, while dance is a vital part of me being me, I know that there are other things that I love and need that I am losing touch with. I am so busy dancing that everything else is losing ground and I find it harder to find time for.
I find myself dreaming that I am in on a barge on a river, drifting lazily along with the current and seeing lovely places and people and watching all of these wonderful events happening on the banks as I drift past. As I drift along I have on occasion stopped and stepped off the barge, finding myself a part of what is going on on the banks of the river. But as I drift along I find those stops harder to make and further between those stops, the current grows stronger and faster as I speed towards what I know is raging torrent currently beyond sight.
Long overdue travels to the country of my fathers ancestors last year gave me some timeout and I did make some commitments to myself about dance which I have begun to implement. These will slow down my dance life and hopefully permit me more time to step off my drifting barge and spend time 'onshore' a little more often.
And perhaps one day, I will find myself a quiet little corner of the river to moor my barge at so I can easily cross between the waters of my creativity and firmament of the mundane. We shall see...
I am doing my best to find the energy to nurture it, feed it with quiet inspiration and keep it growing. To try and find the headspace to ponder it and meditate in it and recognise the signs when they come.
I am trying to avoid stifling it, ignoring it or stomping on its budding essence and trampling it into the earth but it ain't easy.
I am a woman in my late 30's who is married to a wonder of a husband. Not without his own challenges but without him I know I would not be able to half of what I manage to. We both work full time for the goverment and I satisfy my creative urges primarily through the medium of dance.
Dance has been a part of my life for as long as I remember. I grew up in the world of theatrical western dance - Tap, Modern Dance/Jazz & Ballet. I loved it, thrived in it and had a blast doing it...until the hormones really kicked in and my dreams of a career in dance were killed very early by the size of my hips and thighs.
However, most of my adult life has been spent following a pathway that led me into the wonderful and (for the most part) very inclusive world of "Bellydance". I played around with folkloric and historically based Middle Eastern Dance for a few years as I was involved in Historical Re-enactment at the time. However, after a number of years I moved interstate and started regularly dancings with a group of Egyptian Cabaret dancers.
A few years later I saw "American Tribal Style Bellydance" and was smitten! The costuming had intriguing elements of mixed ethnicity, the proud posture of the dancers was reminiscent of the spanish flamenco dancers that I had admired for many years and the concept of dancing improvisationally screamed FREEDOM to a dancer who had spent 20 years of her life dancing choreography.
I also diversified my Tribal teachings by moving into Theatrical and Gothique fusion bellydance, allowing me to harness my previous dance teachings and meld them with my love of bellydance.
I also have spent the past few years working on a wonderful dance project that is inclusive of its participants. Women of all different cognitive and mobility abilities with or without other dance experience. It is an inspirational and deeply moving experience for both participants and our audience come performance time and unlike anything I have done before.
And 16 years later I find myself at a crossroads....a crossroads that leads me to consider my dance and my creative endeavours, my personal relationships, my working career and my dreams for the future. I guess it could otherwise be called my middle age.
You see, while dance is a vital part of me being me, I know that there are other things that I love and need that I am losing touch with. I am so busy dancing that everything else is losing ground and I find it harder to find time for.
I find myself dreaming that I am in on a barge on a river, drifting lazily along with the current and seeing lovely places and people and watching all of these wonderful events happening on the banks as I drift past. As I drift along I have on occasion stopped and stepped off the barge, finding myself a part of what is going on on the banks of the river. But as I drift along I find those stops harder to make and further between those stops, the current grows stronger and faster as I speed towards what I know is raging torrent currently beyond sight.
Long overdue travels to the country of my fathers ancestors last year gave me some timeout and I did make some commitments to myself about dance which I have begun to implement. These will slow down my dance life and hopefully permit me more time to step off my drifting barge and spend time 'onshore' a little more often.
And perhaps one day, I will find myself a quiet little corner of the river to moor my barge at so I can easily cross between the waters of my creativity and firmament of the mundane. We shall see...
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